10 People to Call When Being Attacked by a Vampire

by Tim Handorf
(Texas)

10 People to Call When Being Attacked by a Vampire
It’s always at the worst possible time, isn’t it? You’re running late for work, had to skip breakfast, mash your bed hair into a makeshift ponytail and skip the makeup entirely. Your legs are so badly in need of shaving that putting on your pantyhose this morning felt like you were applying Velcro. And now this.

Some slick-haired, pale-faced, tuxedo-wearing stalker with meat breath is all over you in a crowded subway car. Who ya gonna call?

May we suggest the following 10 people to call when being attacked by a vampire?

Your Lawyer – Let’s be honest. Who better to call in a situation like this than another blood-sucking leech? As a matter of fact, you may want to check that vampire for a briefcase.
Larry King – For some reason, we think these two might even know one another. Just saying’.
Produce Store – Google for some local shops that may be able to deliver some garlic at the next stop. Make sure it’s whole clove garlic, none of that minced stuff.
Home Depot – Check with Lawn & Garden or Lumber, for some gardening stakes. You won’t have time to fashion some real ones, but these are desperate times.
Land’s End – When the gardening stake idea bombs, these folks always have a lovely selection of turtlenecks, in great colors and with some pretty spiffy holiday bargains to boot.
Red Cross – You’ll need to reschedule that appointment for next week to donate a pint. We think you’re going to be running a bit low fairly soon. In fact, you may also want to contact …
Blood Bank – It’s going to be time to make a withdrawal in short order, so you may as well give them a ring and check for availability of your type.
Van Helsing – We don’t know if he’s listed, or even still around, but he’s definitely the man, and might be immortal himself for all we know. But if you can’t reach him, then this next guy should also be on your vampire speed dial list:
Christopher Lee – There’s no one around these days who knows what you’re dealing with right now better than the Hammer Films star himself, Christopher Lee. Though he may be a bit short on sympathy for your part in this, we’re afraid, which leaves us with …
Kate Gosselin – She has a pastor for a father, which could come in handy; but mostly it’s her well-documented experience in dealing with men who totally bite.