They say once a vampire turns you the life is blissful, I want to know who thought that this statement was true. My creator was optimistic that I would turn many more and keep the clan alive. So much is pinned on the first born, the pressure makes you want to leave your creator and make your own family. I was turned when the bodies of your victims could be left in the open and people were afraid to ask questions. I was turned the same year that they announced the prostitute murderers name Jack the Ripper.
I can remember walking the streets wondering am I next, will he find me and kill me, no instead it was a vampire. I remember her following me into a dark alley, her clothing much more beautiful than my own. She cornered me, she pulled her coin purse from her skirt and threw money on the ground. When I leaned down to pick it up she grabbed me by the throat and stood me up right. Her strength was much higher than a normal woman before I could get a word out she bit into my neck and left me for dead. I woke in an infirmary the next morning, I felt as if death came for me and left me to suffer. I laid on the bed wishing the pain would go away and just let me die. That morning was the last time I would ever see the morning light. That night after the lights were dimmed and all of the patients were medicated she came to me once more. Her voice was as soothing as a mother calming her child,"are you ready my darling girl?" I nodded my head and tried to relieve my dry throat, she bit deep into my neck and drained me within an inch of my life. She bit her wrist and let the blood trickle into my mouth, my ties to the mortal world left me the same time my heart beat did.
I looked around the infirmary as she stood to leave,"come my dear, the world awaits." I stood and followed her out the door, none of the nurses seemed to care that I was leaving. Her accent was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard, she showed me her favorite places to hunt and her favorite places to hide. This woman my mother was the master in my eyes, not once in the next thirty years did she ever make another vampire. Her main focus was me, I was her child I was to remain in the body of a nineteen year old for all eternity. My hair never grew it remained long, as the styles changed in the world so did our styles. Mother was the best at keeping with the fashions, her favorite game was to court the older gentlemen then bleed them for every penny. She told me this is how we can afford our beautiful things, men pay for them and we wear them.
Death was a game for her she wanted nothing more than for people to suffer as she had in life. Her parents were killed in a war and her master promised her that the life of a vampire was better until she was turned. The mistake could not be fixed as much as she tried.
Nice story premise with good internal (and potentially external) conflict, but very little depth. It has the feel of a synopsis; a story about a story. No real story arc: It begins with the (unidentified) narrator and ends with the "mother". Add in the run-on sentences and some awkward wording and it's average (for these days) college-level writing. Hence the 3 stars.
You're not a bad writer. Let us hear the clatter of the coins on the cobblestones. Let us feel the narrator's confused mixture of fear and excitement as she picks tham up. Let us see the look in the mother's eyes as she grabs her; feel the the piss-draining terror as she draws close.
Apr 24, 2011 Rating
Awesome by: Dreamcaster
Adrianna, this is superb, noticed that a number of the stories posts are penned by you, so when are you going to publish? Would dearly love to be able to hold your thoughts in my hands and enjoy the written experiences like a normal person. Publish please!!!